Parenting Plans

Very few of us find out that we are expecting and think “great, we will raise this child separately”. Most of us are very excited to be having a child with a person we really care about and it is the furthest thing from our mind that we may end up raising this child in two homes.

I know for myself that when my children’s father and I separated, the idea of not seeing my children every day was horrible. We actually remained in the same residence for a number of years after our divorce so that our boys didn’t have to go back and forth between different houses.

I’m honestly not sure if that was the right or wrong decision, I just know that it was our decision at the time. Inevitably we moved on with other people and we did have to turn our minds to parenting our children in different homes and it was hard. It was like learning a new normal.

This blog is some of my observations and experiences with creating parenting plans, both from my personal experience and from my professional practice.

Make the process about the children – if you are negotiating a parenting plan as a result of a relationship breakdown, emotions are running high. You will not do this process perfectly and that is okay – however if you can focus on the fact that this plan is about what is best for the children (who never had a say in the end of the relationship), you are far more likely to be open to what is being suggested by the other side. The children deserve a plan that works for them and sets them up for success. It is up to you and your ex to work together to come up with one.

Consider a plan that works for your children’s ages and needs – Children need different things at different ages. It is so important that a parenting plan considers each child’s individual needs. For example:

• does your child need more regular, shorter visits with both parents or would week on / week off suit them better?
• Is a child more comfortable spending weekend time with one parent and weekday time with another?
• Where is the child’s school – are both parents living within a reasonable distance of the school?
• Does your child have special needs?
• Or are they involved in sports activities that require them to be available for early morning practices

All of these things need to be considered when coming up with a parenting arrangement. We love the Arizona parenting guide which includes a lot of research from counsellors around what children’s needs are at specific times in their lives. It also provides sample parenting arrangements for children of different ages and needs. Here is a link to the pdf version of the guide. Remember that this was created for the Arizona court system so isn’t law here, but we find it provides some really useful information:

https://www.azcourts.gov/portals/31/parentingTime/PPWguidelines.pdf

Just remember that each situation is unique and you are the only two people who know what will work best in your particular situation.

Allow for a review of that parenting arrangement as the children get older – children’s needs change and any good parenting plan would allow for a review of the parenting arrangements as children get older and their needs change. A review allows for flexibility as well as keeping the focus on the child’s needs.

A review doesn’t need to be complicated – the parties could informally consider the parenting plan when they review child support each year or they could have a formal review every 5 years (or they could do both!). A review could be a meeting (in person or over zoom) or even been as casual as an email between the parties confirming that things are going well. The main goal is to make sure that you are both turning your mind to whether the parenting arrangement is still what is best for the children.

Consider transitions – remember that this process is stressful on the children. They are already dealing with a lot, try to make the transition from one parent’s home to another as stress free as possible.

We often recommend that transitions happen on school days (one parent drops off and another picks up), especially if there is a lot of tension between the parents. Also doing transitions in a public place can manage any bad behavior. As kids get older, doing a drop off at the end of the driveway and watching the child walk to the front door is another option.

Again, be as creative as you want while considering the best interests of the children. Children love both of their parents and don’t ever want to hurt either of them – so please do your best to make the transition from one parent’s house to the other as painless as possible.

Talk about holiday parenting – if you are discussing parenting time in general … take that extra little bit to talk about what is going to happen over the holidays! So many people decide to deal with holidays “when they arise” and it’s a recipe for disaster. Holidays are stressful emotionally and lawyers are usually very busy during that time. Being in court on Christmas Eve fighting over who little Johnny is spending Christmas with that year is both expensive and depressing.

There are main holiday blocks – Family Day / Easter / Summer Holidays / Thanksgiving / Christmas / Mothers Day and Fathers Day that can be easily discussed and allocated while you are discussing parenting in general. I mean … you are already there …

Be clear about money – most parenting arrangements will include provisions for child support and special and extraordinary expenses. If one parent has a job with a fluctuating income, consider a formula for calculating their income each year – this will give more certainty in future years. If your children are involved in activities that cost money, make sure to bring that up in the discussion. Be sure to also include a review clause for support and a requirement for disclosure each year of both parties’ income. Again, if you are already there, take that opportunity to discuss difficult things like finances so that you are not having to reopen the discussion at a later date.

Discuss how you will resolve disputes – this is so important! People are going to disagree, that is completely normal. Things fall apart when there is no formula to follow when you disagree. We usually include a provision in our plans that the parties try mediation prior to going to court. It’s a good way to get people speaking to each other before they file court documents.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully it gets people talking. Again, as always – if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to us.