Be Kind

It seems counterintuitive to discuss kindness on a platform that helps people divorce. Getting divorced usually means that all efforts of kindness have been exhausted and the parties just want out.

That is correct to an extent – however any marriage that lasted longer than a hot minute has assets to be divided, children to be parented and other issues to be resolved.

Finally, and probably most importantly, what are we doing with our own emotional wellbeing when we “napalm” the relationship instead of finding a way to mindfully move on?

What if we look at separation and divorce differently? Especially with children – what if we look at it not as the end but rather the beginning of something different?

We teach our children what love is through our romantic relationships. It is also up to us to show them how adults act when love ends. An eye roll or sarcastic comment is seen and internalized by a child. They are half of your ex – the person you are pulling down – and they take the jibes and attacks personally.

Here are some ways that we can be kind to ourselves, our separated spouse and our kids that don’t take much effort but have great results:

1. Don’t send text messages or emails while upset. It may feel like whatever you have to say is essential and must be dealt with immediately – but so much more is achieved when cooler heads prevail.
2. Set parameters around when you will deal with issues around your separation – for example: don’t check emails after 7pm at night and send any communications in the morning when you are fresh and emotionally able to deal with things.
3. Remember that everything you say about your ex is being internalized by your child. So if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
4. If you can, try to remember positive things about your ex and comment on them in front of your children. Again, anything positive you say about your ex will also be heard by your child as a positive comment about themselves.
5. Buy your ex birthday cards from the children and arrange for your children to see them on their birthday.
6. Duplicate all of the photographs and other media from your relationship for yourself and your ex, make sure that both of you have those happy memories to share with your kids.
7. If it is possible, come together for the children’s birthdays and other events. They are caught in the aftershock of the separation and any sort of normalcy makes them feel more comfortable.
8. Don’t allow your family or friends to “trash talk” your ex. Explain to them how best they can support you without attacking the person you built a life with. Many people comment that having their family’s support without having their ex attacked actually helped them move forward more easily.
9. Be gentle with yourself and others – things will not go perfectly. If you lose your temper, that’s okay – you can always take accountability and try again. If your ex reacts, that’s okay – they are also struggling with this change.
10. Give yourself a break – do something you love and recharge. You are doing hard work, so remember to be kind to yourself.

It’s the old saying “treat others the way you would like to be treated”. It may sometimes feel like you are alone in being kind, but in the long run you will feel better about yourself, and … kindness multiplies … when practiced on a consistent basis, amazing things happen!

Disclaimer – My comments above do not apply to instances of power imbalances and abuse – in those situations you just need to get out and get clear of the abuser. Practice kindness towards yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for leaving. That can be very difficult.