Don’t say the “D” Word …

I have had many ex husbands but one was my favorite. I loved this one, like really really loved him. And I believe that he loved me too. The failure of our relationship was not due to lack of love … we were so ridiculously in love.

However we were also struggling to adjust to married life and we were unprepared for the factors working against us – ex partners who stirred the pot, mental health and addiction issues and financial worries to name a few.

Because we had so many pressures, we made a deal from the outset to never use the word “divorce” unless everything else had failed. There was something about saying that word that, we both agreed, put the relationship under a strain that it could likely not come back from.

Then one day … during a fight … he used the word.

And it devastated me.

I’m not sure if he really meant it at that time, but something changed. Something splintered.

When I look back, things were never the same after the “D” word was used. It was easier for us to use the word again, it was easier for him to pack the car and leave, it was easier for me to book movers — it was just easier to imagine being apart than together. Ironically, I don’t think either of us ever wanted to be divorced, we just never found the traction needed to get the relationship back on track.

I am not saying that we would have stayed together if he hadn’t used that word that night – we had a lot of factors going against us and it is more than likely that one of us would have used the “D” word at another time. However I do know that once the word was used – I no longer felt that we were keeping our deal. Did this justify bad behavior on my part? Possibly. Did it make it just that much easier to disconnect? Absolutely.

In my law practice, a great many clients came to see me because one party had used the “D” word. They were scared and wanted to know what their rights were. Unfortunately, they also began to dig in on their positions. Speaking about getting divorced made it easier for both parties to contemplate a life without the other. Getting lawyers made both parties commit to moving the separation forward. Suddenly, a word used in the heat of the moment had grown a life of its own – parties are separated and on their way to a divorce. How did that happen?

What about counselling you ask? Well couples therapy is not really set up to deal with one party “leaning out” of the relationship. Once divorce is on the table, how does a therapist reign that back in? How many couples think of going to their therapist instead of their lawyer when their partner states that they want a divorce?

Discernment coaching focuses on situations where one party has “leaned out” of the relationship. Where the “D” word has been said and the parties are trying to figure out where to go. It is short term coaching focused on helping a couple gain clarity about the next step in their relationship. After a limited number of sessions, the couple will have the confidence to commit to one of three paths:

1. stay together and commit to six months of therapy (during which time divorce is off the table, but can be put back on the table after six months), or
2. get divorced; or
3. remain in a holding pattern.

We offer this service because I wish that someone had told me and my favorite husband about this option. That someone had suggested we invest a short time into gaining clarity on where we wanted the relationship to go and into getting support on how to get there.

We offer this service because I am sad to hear so many people share that they only realized how little they wanted to be divorced AFTER the divorce was finalized.

We offer this service because, after four divorces, I still believe that marriage is something that should be fought for.

I am not so naïve as to think this is a solution for everyone, but it may help a few people. It may help another woman and her favorite husband avoid divorce and get the help they need to go on to live a long and happy life together … wouldn’t that be a triumph …