I’m Not (always) Okay …

I was speaking with a friend of mine who had recently been in a traumatic accident. She is an amazing human and she often spends most of her time in gratitude. However, since the accident she had experienced physical pain and emotional trauma and was just “not bouncing back”. It was absolutely stumping her as to why she was feeling “off”, and she was judging herself harshly for it.

As we spoke I suggested that it was not only okay to NOT feel okay after a traumatic event, but it was actually a very normal reaction to the event. It hit me hard as I said this to my friend that – as a society – we have become so focused on being okay all the time, that we have stopped being okay with not being okay.

It is as if we ignore circumstances which give rise to feelings of sadness, grief and anger. That we run from “negative” emotions as opposed to experiencing them. In a culture of toxic positivity – everything is always “wonderful”, “fine” or “just great”.

However, our bodies don’t forget. Research has shown that our bodies remember traumatic events and hold on to those experiences unless we allow ourselves to process the feelings and emotions associated with the experience. The result of avoiding these emotions can be both physical and psychological pain.

Divorce is fraught with trauma. There were traumatic events that led the parties to decide to divorce. The court process is traumatic. Trying to face a totally new life without the person you thought would be by your side forever is traumatic.

It is very okay to not be okay during this process. In fact, it is a completely normal and healthy response.

Now, going through any trauma is not a license to act like a jerk. But I think that it does earn us a little grace while we work through everything.

As a society we recite platitudes that “it’s for the best”, “on to better things” and “she/he was never worthy of you”. We expect the person experiencing divorce to just move forward. If we are honest with ourselves, we don’t want to be caught up in the cycle of despair that could start if we sat with a person experiencing divorce and spoke about their experience.

However, this is exactly what we need to do. We cannot dismiss the experience of divorce. We cannot platitude it away. No matter how much sense it may make to move ahead with a divorce, there are all sorts of emotions that are tied to that decision.

How much easier would a person’s experience of divorce be if their emotions – both negative and positive were honored? If they felt heard? If they were told that it was not only okay to not be okay, but that it was normal? Would they feel more able to move forward in a positive and meaningful way?

So, for those of you who need to hear it … it is okay to not feel okay during this experience. In fact, it is incredibly normal and a natural way to process an enormous loss. While we cannot promise to fix what you are going through, we will sit with you while you go through it.