Lean on Me ….

I have been going through an especially difficult time recently (no, I’m not divorcing for the fifth time!) and I was thinking about all of the various supports I have in my life that have made this time a little easier. My friends, my family, my community supports and all of the professionals that I know. It really does take a village!

Like any relationship change, getting divorced is hard. It’s physically draining and emotionally exhausting. As we navigate the unknown in our new relationship status, it is essential to have a solid support system in place.

We are social creatures and naturally look for a feeling of connection – hence our desire to get married! When we divorce we lose that primary connection and that can feel very unsettling.

Rebuilding will take time, but can be done. We are going to explore some ways that you can build a new support system and some ways that you can be of support to a friend going through relational change.

Ways to build a new support system or solidify your current one:

1. Retain professional help. Reach out to your counsellor, divorce coach or lawyer to help with the relationship change.
2. Connect with family. Many times family has been pushed aside while parties try to save a relationship. Making those connections again will provide meaningful support during a difficult time. Remember – just because you haven’t spoken in a while does not mean that they haven’t been anxiously waiting for you to reconnect.
3. Join a support group. There are so many amazing support groups for people and parents going through divorce. A quick google search will provide a list of support groups in your neighborhood. Sometimes it is just nice to be with a group of people who have gone through what you are going through.
4. Build on your hobbies. How many times have we set aside something we love because there just wasn’t enough time for it in the relationship? Get back into dance or playing the guitar. Renewing a hobby is a good way to reconnect with who you were prior to the relationship and to build on who you are becoming. It also introduces you to like minded people who can provide support.
5. Reach out to friends. They want to help and support you. If it is possible, let them know how they can support you. If not, just accept the love from them.

Ways you can be of support to a friend:

1. Check up on the friend regularly – without expecting a response back. Remember how nice it is to hear from a friend when you are going through a tough time? Even if you don’t have the energy to pick up the call or respond to the text, knowing that someone cares is such a wonderful feeling. Calling to say “hi” or sending a quick “thinking of you” text will mean the world to the person going through the relationship change. They may not get back to you, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t read the message or heard the voicemail and been reminded that people care. Doing this a number of times without expecting a response is a way to support your friend without putting any pressure on them.
2. Suggest meeting up – multiple times. It is hard to adjust to a new status quo and it usually doesn’t come immediately. Sometimes you will need to suggest meeting up a few times before your friend is ready to take you up on the suggestion – persevere!! If you and your friend used to hike together – suggest a hike and be specific about the time, place and length of the activity so that they don’t have to do any thinking, they just need to show up. Getting outside is great for the spirit and the activity will be good for them as well. Suggest meeting up to do an activity more than once, if they are too busy or too overwhelmed initially – having this option provided to them regularly will mean at some point they will take you up on it.
3. Plan an activity that takes place regularly. Having something to do on a regular basis is a good way for a person to create a new “normal”. If it is coffee and a chat, a hike with friends or a support meeting, planning something that you will do regularly with your friend will continue the support long after the initial shock of the relationship breakdown.
4. Do not trash talk their ex. While it may feel like this is a sign of support, their spouse was a person your friend chose to make a lifelong commitment to. Even though they are separated from their spouse, your friend is still dealing with complex feelings around that person. Trash talking their ex may make your friend feel more isolated if they want to discuss feelings around their ex that are not negative. Also, they have left their spouse – they are fully aware of their spouse’s bad qualities!
5. Share your experiences. Sometimes we just need to remember that we are not alone in our experience. Sharing parts of your story of relationship change and how you got through it is a way to let your friend know that they are not alone.

We are here to help as well – feel free to reach out to us!